babyassface

I'm alive.

Hey everyone,

So sorry I've been MIA. I've had a very long freelance job that has been the craziest, long hours you can imagine.  (Late nights and weekends (until 1:30AM on Sunday).  So I haven't had the energy to work on the blog.  Hopefully, things will calm down soon-ish, but not sure when.

In the meantime, I noticed from the comment section, that the people who read this blog are pretty damn smart and funny. So if anyone has any products they love, that they'd like to review, feel free to send your reviews my way.  It's good to keep it to 350 words or less and if you can find a funny photo on google images (that'd be great).  

Hope everyone is doing well.  Miss you guys.  

Jenny

nothing like some chocolate and bourbon in the shower

This skin care product was mentioned in one of Bellasugar’s “Lovely Links” a couple of weeks back. Oddly, the link wasn’t to a beauty blog, but to Epicurious. 

The product - Max Brenner's Brazilian Brown Sugarcane and Cocoa Nibs Body Scrub. 

For those of you unfamiliar with Max Brenner, it’s a Willy Wonka wannabe chocolate restaurant/retail chain that originated in Israel.

There are only two in NYC and epicuriously they are only 7 blocks away from each other. 

I’m a chocoholic, so it was really difficult to be there, in the Max Brenner store, surrounded by the sound of vats of swirling chocolate, the panoramic sight of chocolate, and the smell of coco, so thick in the air, that just inhaling could cause diabetes.

How I didn’t pull an Augustus Gloop is beyond me.

Thankfully, their chocolate is so ridiculously expensive that I walked out with only the scrub.  I would like to think it was will power, but seeing as I checked the side of jar to see if the ingredients would actually kill me if ate them or just cause painful intestinal convulsions, I’m guessing willpower had nothing to do with it.

The scrub contains brown sugar (an amazing exfoliant), Ivory Coast Cocoa Butter (improves elasticity and contains antioxidants), Ghanian Cocoa Beans (exfoliates and stimulates) and Indonesian Cinnamon (warms and increases blood flow).

Not sure why they added the Vanilla Bourban scent. Maybe to hook alcoholics as well as chocoholics.  Max Brenner, have you no conscience?

The effect of the scrub is nice, but no more special than any other sugar scrub and it's got oil in it, so it feels like you put baby oil on in the shower.  But what makes this scrub so luxurious and addictive is the smell.  Even hours after using it, my arms still smelled like chocolate.  Believe me, it took every ounce of self-control not to eat my own limbs.

The thought of my obituary is the only thing that kept me from ingesting it.  Found dead in the shower, naked, clutching an empty jar, with a lethal dose of Max Brenner Brazilian Brown Sugarcane and Cocoa Nibs Body Scrub in her bloodstream.

Would you get plastic surgery to get a job?

A newspaper called AM New York had an article last week titled, “From No Job to Nose Job”. (Which I guess is better than from “Nose job to No Job”. Which I think would make a good name for a Jennifer Grey biopic.) 

Looks like Baby put Baby’s career in a corner. (Yes, that’s really Jennifer Grey.)

The article was about NYers getting plastic surgery to boost career prospects.Turns out several NY plastic surgeons are seeing bumps in business (some surgeons claim increases of as much as 40%) from mostly female executives in their 40s and 50s, who are competing with 20 and 30 year olds, who may appear more “energetic”. 

Dr. Mauro Romita, a NY plastic surgeon is quoted in the article as saying, “If you look older than you are and you look tired, people may not think you can handle a busy schedule.” 

Personally, I think the more tired one looks, the more obvious it should be that they work their ass off and are presently handling a busy schedule. Unfortunately, corporate America doesn’t seem to be buying into my perfectly good logic.

To me, plastic surgery seems like a drastic measure to try to look “more energetic” and “less tired”. Hasn’t anyone ever heard of something called a good night’s sleep?

Speaking of, here’s my secret for sleeping like there’s no tomorrow. It’s called a mattress topper.

Before I got one, I’d toss and turn more than a pair of dice on a Vegas Craps table.  No matter how expensive a mattress I got, I'd still be uncomfortable and wake up in pain.   

The mattress topper put an end to all that. It’s made with memory foam. (I got the 4” thick one.) It perfectly forms to the body, so your body sinks in the exact right amount, but not so much that you feel like you’re in quicksand fighting for your life.

I bought mine from Overstock.com. If the reviews are any indication, the cheaper ones work just as well as the expensive ones.

My advice, if you’re worried about looking tired and like you lack energy on job interviews, invest in a mattress topper, grab yourself a cup of coffee on the way to the interview and if that doesn’t work, put some thumb tacks on the chair before you sit down.

Anyone else a mattress topper fan?

Why I use kitchen hand cream, on my body in the bathroom.

I think it’s really interesting that Cucina built an entire business out of making soaps and hand creams, specifically designed for kitchen use. Most companies would have branched out and started making eyebrow shampoo by now. But the fact that they can grow, without having to do that, is a testament to how good and addictive this stuff is.

Cucina Regenerating Hand Cream is made with cold pressed olive oil. It’s designed to deeply moisturize hands dried out from frequent washing. It also contains olive leaf extract, which stimulates the skin and helps heal minor cuts and burns.

(Minor cuts and burns? Sounds like me after making a bagel in the morning.)

Cucina hand cream absorbs really quickly and leaves no greasy residue, only super silky, soft skin behind. 

Being the rebel that I am, I decided this stuff was too good to reserve for hand use only. Before I knew it, my hand application was working its way up my arm, then down my torso, to my feet.  I knew I would soon end up in my kitchen, naked, doing dishes, covered in hand cream. So I decided to ignore the fact that “Cucina” was Italian for “kitchen”  and made it my bathroom, body moisturizer.

It has a light scent that doesn’t last too long, but is very uplifting. All the scents smelled nice, but I went for the Sanguinelli Orange and Fennel. 

 

This stuff isn’t cheap, but its packaging is lovely and classy and will make you feel like the only reason you’re standing over the sink doing dishes is because the maid called in sick (yet again).

I wish Cucina would start a new line called “bagno” (bathroom in Italian) specifically for bathroom use, so when people see Cucina in my bathroom, they don't picture me getting arrested for peeing in kitchens all over Italy.

Can good table manners make you thinner?

I found this video on Telegraph.co.uk. It’s an interview with Jill, Duchess of Hamilton, who also happens to be an etiquette expert. (I think I’m going to put Duchess of Hamsterchire, on my resume. Would anyone really know?)

Here’s what the Duchess had to say (to be read in a really snooty accent):

After you put food in your mouth, put your utensils down on your plate while you chew. Does this apply to sitting on your couch with a bag of Smart Puffs?  Should I return my hand back into the bag, once I’ve shoved the puffs in my mouth? If so, I already do that. Apparently, I really am Duchess material.

Her second morsel of advice: don’t put too much on your plate or in your mouth. 

Easy for her to say. She lives in Britain, where the food is… well, British.

Another tip: be courteous to the others diners. Ask things like “Can I pass you the butter?”  “Would you like some peas?” This slows down the rate of eating. I’m not sure how this translates to us, common folk. Perhaps, “Would you like me to pass the bucket of fried chicken?”  “May I offer you another packet of ketchup (or catsup)?” 

One last thing she suggests is putting wine into a decanter. That way you can see how much you’ve had to drink. Personally, Duchess, I prefer to save myself the trouble, and just gauge it by how bright purple my teeth are. 

She goes on to recommend that good table manners be taught in school, because if they were “a lot of children would not be as fat as they are today.”

Duchess, I might not be an etiquette expert, but even I know calling a child, or anyone for that matter, “fat” is very uncouth.  I’m advocating you be dethroned and that I replace you as Duchess of Hamilton. I promise not to shirk my Duchess of Hamsterchire duties.

NY Spa Week's discounted "bird poop facial"

Today marks the commencement of New York Spa Week. It’s the one week, a year, when select New York spas offer select spa treatments for only $50. It’s a great deal if you have the money. (I, myself, will be celebrating by lying on some tennis balls and smearing things from my kitchen on my face.)

But if you’ve got some money to spare and are feeling adventurous, check out Shizuka New York Day Spa’s $50 Spa Week offering (a $180 value).

It’s called the “bird poop facial”.  (Suddenly, my April Fool’s “cat food facial” doesn’t sound so gross.)

This facial has caused quite the media frenzy. It’s been featured on The Today Show, The View, CNN, CNBC, Fox News, etc. (Just think of how excited they would have gotten if it was a ”dog poop facial”.)

The “bird poop facial” is the brainchild of Manhattan skin care guru, Shizuka Bernstein.

She says Japanese Geishas used to use nightingale droppings, to not only remove makeup, but also to brighten, heal and smooth skin. (Apparently, a natural enzyme in the poop breaks down dead skin cells and a protein called guanine gives the skin a pearly luster.)

Don’t worry. It doesn’t involve lying on a massage table, waiting for a bunch of birds to poop on your face. 

The excrement is actually collected from nightingale farms, where the birds are feed only organic food (as if that somehow makes it better). The excrement is then sterilized, using UV rays and turned into a powder.

The facial also involves a cleansing of the skin with Shizuka’s own all-natural product line and a facial massage with Japanese camellia blossom oil, a relative of the green tea plant.

Shizuka says she chose to offer the 50-Minute Geisha Facial as a Spa Week special because she wanted more people to be able to try this one-of-a-kind facial. 

"First and foremost, the Geisha Facial is quality skin care”, she states, “but it also represents a way for us to relax and pamper ourselves and, especially now, we could all use more of that."

Yes, nothing makes me feel more special than having bird crap smeared on my face.

Going Amish

Hey everyone,
My computer is in the shop for three days being repaired so there won't be posts for the next few days. Three days without a computer/internet. Wish me luck. It's only been an hour and I'm feeling so Amish already.
Jenny

April showers bring frizzy hair. Not if Frederic can help it.

Yes, I know Frederic Fekkai products have been around for a while, but I never looked at them twice, because I assumed I couldn’t afford anything made by someone named Frederic Fekkai.

But as fate would have it, I got caught in a downpour the other day.

By midday my hair had dried into an exact replica of my sister’s Standard Poodle.

Next thing I knew, I was at Sephora standing in front of the hair care section. I squeezed some Frederic Fekkai Glossing Cream into my palms and ran them over my hair. I didn’t care that the price tag said $27 and that I hadn’t worked in 6 months, it took my frizzy hair from Richard Simmons to well-coiffed newscaster, within seconds, and I decided I couldn’t live without it.

The next day I applied it to damp hair and styled as usual. (It also protects from heat styling, and contains UVA and UVB sunscreens.) Since I have thick, dry hair I also applied it after I dried it. Once again it worked its magic. My hair was super soft, silky and shiny. The oddest thing about this product is it doesn’t feel like there’s any product in my hair. It leaves absolutely no residue, greasiness or synthetic feel. It just makes my hair feel super soft and healthy.
 
After using it, my hair had so much bounce, that you’d have thought I was on an invisible pogo stick.  That’s also my only complaint. As someone with very full hair, I needed to add some oil to weigh down my hairdo or else I’d look like I was in a gravity-free space station somewhere. 

Just so you know that I’m not exaggerating about how good this stuff is, on Sephora’s website, it got an average of 4.6 out of 5 stars based on 700 reviews. 

So next time you’re in Sephora, ask them for a sample.
 

If you’re like me, Frederic Fekkai Glossing Cream could be the only thing, this spring, that’ll keep your hair from blossoming into a hydrangea bush. 

What's your favorite leave-in conditioner?

What will the next “Rachel” of hairstyles be?

So recently Japan held a Hair Show. Down the runway came the latest cutting edge (bad pun intended) hair styles. I can tell you this, I’ve seen the future and it looks like we spend a lot of time doing break dance spins on our heads.

The styles in the Hair Show aren’t exactly the styles you’ll see gracing the escalators at the local mall. Actually, I think I've achieved some of these looks, in the morning, after my cat has slept on my head.

I just have one question. What’s wrong with subtle cuts that say “don’t I look pretty", instead of "don’t I look pretty deranged?”

“The Posh Bob”, “The Rachel”, “The Farrah Hot Dog Holder”, “The Mia Farrow I’m carrying Satan’s Baby”. These were all cuts that were not only appropriate for every day living but they actually complimented people’s faces.

Oddly enough, according to the Hair Show, bangs are still in in the future. You know the other models were jealous that they didn’t get the bangs. They were probably thinking “why do I have to sit for 3 hours of styling, only to end up looking like I’ve had my hair styled by rabid squirrels?”

The good news about seeing this video is, it made me stop worrying about the future of the economy, because in the future we’ll have bigger concerns,

like how we’re going to get through airport security with hair that looks like we’re smuggling a bazooka.

A cat food facial- is it really all that?

OK, I know this sounds extremely gross. But I’m on a really tight budget and have been trying to experiment with homemade facials, made with things that I find in my kitchen. Butter -good. Tomato -good. Nutella- rash. Honey- good. Peanut butter-bad. I seriously experimented with pretty much everything I could find in my kitchen cabinets. Everything that is except for, dare I say it, cat food. Until now.

Wait. Wait. Hear me out. It was the Seafood Medley flavor. Sure, the smell made me want to regurgitate like a mama bird, but seafood is loaded with omega 3-6-9, which is amazing for the skin.

So I plugged my nose and slathered it on. My cat looked extremely confused and kept going over to her bowl and meowing. I think she was saying,” the food goes in here, dumb ass”.  If you think the smell of wet cat food is bad when it’s in a bowl on the floor, imagine how bad it is when it’s literally right under your nose.

But I promised myself I’d go 10 minutes before rinsing it off. David Blaine, if you want to try something that really pushes the limits of human endurance, forget hanging upside down, try sitting in your living room with cat food on your face for 10 minutes.

Anyway, I made it 8 minutes, not a second more, then ran to the kitchen to rinse it off. I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised with the results. My skin had a really nice glow and was super soft and smooth. Although, it took at least two very thorough rounds of facial cleanser to get the smell completely off, but other than that, I have to say my skin looked pretty damn nice. 

Happy April Fools Day everyone! I was just kidding. Just because I’d rub butter and salt on my nose and blow dry my hair with Saran Wrap over my face, doesn’t mean I’d use cat food as a facial. Dry cat food as an exfoliant maybe, but wet cat food as a facial never. 

Please tell me you didn't really think I was that crazy.  Sorry, if reading this made anyone's stomach queasy.