I found this video on Telegraph.co.uk. It’s an interview with Jill, Duchess of Hamilton, who also happens to be an etiquette expert. (I think I’m going to put Duchess of Hamsterchire, on my resume. Would anyone really know?)
Here’s what the Duchess had to say (to be read in a really snooty accent):
After you put food in your mouth, put your utensils down on your plate while you chew. Does this apply to sitting on your couch with a bag of Smart Puffs? Should I return my hand back into the bag, once I’ve shoved the puffs in my mouth? If so, I already do that. Apparently, I really am Duchess material.
Her second morsel of advice: don’t put too much on your plate or in your mouth.
Easy for her to say. She lives in Britain, where the food is… well, British.
One last thing she suggests is putting wine into a decanter. That way you can see how much you’ve had to drink. Personally, Duchess, I prefer to save myself the trouble, and just gauge it by how bright purple my teeth are.
She goes on to recommend that good table manners be taught in school, because if they were “a lot of children would not be as fat as they are today.”
Duchess, I might not be an etiquette expert, but even I know calling a child, or anyone for that matter, “fat” is very uncouth. I’m advocating you be dethroned and that I replace you as Duchess of Hamilton. I promise not to shirk my Duchess of Hamsterchire duties.