babyassface

Can good table manners make you thinner?

I found this video on Telegraph.co.uk. It’s an interview with Jill, Duchess of Hamilton, who also happens to be an etiquette expert. (I think I’m going to put Duchess of Hamsterchire, on my resume. Would anyone really know?)

Here’s what the Duchess had to say (to be read in a really snooty accent):

After you put food in your mouth, put your utensils down on your plate while you chew. Does this apply to sitting on your couch with a bag of Smart Puffs?  Should I return my hand back into the bag, once I’ve shoved the puffs in my mouth? If so, I already do that. Apparently, I really am Duchess material.

Her second morsel of advice: don’t put too much on your plate or in your mouth. 

Easy for her to say. She lives in Britain, where the food is… well, British.

Another tip: be courteous to the others diners. Ask things like “Can I pass you the butter?”  “Would you like some peas?” This slows down the rate of eating. I’m not sure how this translates to us, common folk. Perhaps, “Would you like me to pass the bucket of fried chicken?”  “May I offer you another packet of ketchup (or catsup)?” 

One last thing she suggests is putting wine into a decanter. That way you can see how much you’ve had to drink. Personally, Duchess, I prefer to save myself the trouble, and just gauge it by how bright purple my teeth are. 

She goes on to recommend that good table manners be taught in school, because if they were “a lot of children would not be as fat as they are today.”

Duchess, I might not be an etiquette expert, but even I know calling a child, or anyone for that matter, “fat” is very uncouth.  I’m advocating you be dethroned and that I replace you as Duchess of Hamilton. I promise not to shirk my Duchess of Hamsterchire duties.

liposuctioned body fat- fuel of the future?

According to an article in Forbes, a Beverly Hills doctor, who specialized in liposuction, had been converting his patients’ thigh, belly and ass fat into biofuel for both his and his girlfriend's SUVs. 

Turns out, one pound of fat = a gallon of fuel and most liposuction procedures remove up to 10 lbs of fat. Who says you can’t have your cake and eat it too?

I, for one, think liposuctioned biofuel is the key to returning the US to its former glory.

After all, thanks to “all you can eat” specials and the Dunkin Donuts Waffle Breakfast Sandwich (an egg, cheese and bacon sandwiched in between two waffles, filled with maple syrup), we have a Middle East-sized reserve of fuel sitting, literally, right in our own backyards.

Before we know it, America may literally, run on Dunkin.

Listen up, President Obama. Environmentally friendly, liposuctioned biofuel is a win-win-win-win situation. It will put us back to work, save the American auto industry, protect the environment and put an end to our dependence on foreign oil.

No need to worry about the outsourcing of jobs. No other country on the planet can touch us, when it comes to liposuctioned, biofuel production.

And the best part is this plan won’t require re-training the American work force, improving our school systems or overhauling the health care system. The only stimulus package needed is a packet of coupons to our local grocery stores.  

My fellow Americans, to save our asses, we need to band together and let our asses go. For, it is from the ashes of our barbeques, that we shall rise again.

In the words of President John F Kennedy, “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country”.  It’s time to lift ourselves up by our bootstraps, walk over to the fridge and be all we can be. Ga blas Merica.  (Sorry, my mouth was full.)

the appearance of pores. poof. gone.

The pores on my nose must be mating when I’m not looking, because lately the amount and size of them seem to be growing. So, I did a search on Google for "home remedies for reducing the appearance of pores". There were lots of them. 

Some had such complicated recipes, that I would have had to go to culinary school. Others required ingredients that I would have no idea where to buy. (Where does one buy sandalwood powder?)  Others’ ingredients, like buttermilk, required buying a cow.

Since, I only had the ingredients for one of the remedies, I chose that one. The salt and butter one.  I know. How wrong does that sound?  Which made me think it had to work, because why else would someone do something as counter-intuitive as rubbing a paste of butter and salt on their nose?

Actually, I lied I didn’t have butter in the house. I had Smart Balance, a butter-like spread that’s supposed to be better for your cholesterol.

So I mixed Smart Balance and sea salt and rubbed the greasy, salty paste around on my nose for around 10 seconds. (It made me crave popcorn). Then I rinsed it off with warm water. Believe it or not, it rinsed right off and didn’t leave a greasy residue. 

I kid you not, my pores appeared to have almost disappeared. It was crazy. I have no idea how or why this works. I suppose salt is an astringent, which constricts tissue. And maybe the grease attracted the dirt and other grease out of my pores?  Does grease even attract other grease? Are there any smart science people out there, who can explain why this works? I’m dying to know.

I'll be using this paste on my nose at least twice a week from now on, because it truly is amazing.

Next time I'm at the movies, I'm going to rub my popcorn on my nose the whole time.  (But I'll pretend I just keep missing my mouth, because I'm so enthralled with the film.)

Will someone else please try this and let me know if it works for you?  

How to make a good first impression, even if you look like crap.

Want to make a good first impression? Turns out it may not matter if you’re having a bad hair day, or if you have a big, unicorn-esque zit in the middle of your forehead, or if you show up on an interview in your pajamas with toothpaste on your face. (OK, maybe those matter a little.) 

But according to a recent study at Yale University, physically touching something warm can help bring about a subconscious, feeling of warmth towards others. This warm feeling leads to a better first impression.

In the above-mentioned Yale study, 41 students were recruited for what was believed to be personality research. A lab worker escorted each participant up the elevator and asked for help holding her cup of coffee, either hot or iced, while she recorded the student's name on a clipboard.

Once in the lab, students were given a description of a fictitious person and asked to rate that person's personality traits.

Students who’d held the hot cup saw the phantom person as more generous, sociable and good-natured than those who had held the cold cup.

This didn’t hold true, if the hot coffee was spilled on the participants' crotches while driving.

Next the researchers gathered 53 different students. They had them briefly hold either a heat or ice pack, under the guise of product testing. Students were then asked to choose a reward for either themselves or a friend.

Students who held the hot pack were more likely to choose a reward for a friend, while those who held the ice pack were more likely to choose a reward for themselves.

The moral of the story: use this information to get ahead.
 
Want your boss to think warmly of you and choose to give you a reward? Tell him you’re running to Starbucks and you’d like to bring him back a beverage. (Just pray he doesn’t ask for an iced drink or you’re screwed.) 

BTW, Ginger is also great for improving circulation, so if you have a lot of glad-handing to do, try drinking lots of ginger tea throughout the day to ensure your hands are warm. 

Come to think of it, this economy sucks, screw being subtle, just hand these out to everyone you want to suck up to.

prevent sagging neck skin

I saw Clint Eastwood on Letterman the other night. Turns out, he’s almost 80 years old.  He looks great. (I assume there was some anesthesia and a scalpel involved.) 

I love that even though he’s almost an octogenarian, he’s still beating the crap out of people in movies.  I’m not one for violence, but this kind is OK in my book, because it’s inspirational (and aspirational) for the aging crowd.

What I couldn’t help but notice about Clint’s Letterman appearance, was his neck.  He’s got a little gobble, gobble going on.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but it got me thinking about how I might be able to prevent the “Butterball Effect”, as I age.

Then I found this tip online.  It’s very simple and easy to do anywhere, as long as no one is looking at you.

Simply extend your lower teeth over your upper teeth. Then push your tongue to the roof of your mouth for 10 seconds. 

Here’s Rene on the red carpet doing this exercise, or at least I can only hope that’s why she always has this expression on her face.

If you hold your hand to your neck area, you’ll feel the neck muscles being activated by this exercise.  The theory: firm neck muscles will help prevent sagging in that area.  I suppose it’s the same theory as, if you work out your biceps and triceps, you’ll be less likely to have loose, hanging skin on the upper arms.

While doing this exercise, you’ll look like an 80 year old with no teeth, but it just may prevent you from looking like an 80 year old with a sagging neck.  It’s kind of like a flu shot that way- you're given a little bit of the flu, in order not to get it. 

Oh, yeah, if I happen to suddenly disappear, it was probably Clint Eastwood.   And he’ll probably try to use the excuse that I was on his lawn. 

I think this is one of the touching scenes from Gran Torino, right before or after he shoots someone. 

OJ as a facial toner?

So, this is the official start of a new, weekly series on Babyassface.  The series will be called, “Jenny has no "income" right now, only "outgo", so she’s going to start smearing random stuff on her face to see if it’s a good skincare product”. 

There’ll be some method (and research) to the madness, as well as lots of cruising grocery store aisles and digging around in kitchen cabinets.  (Yes, I did think of using Comet as a facial exfoliant, but I won’t go there.)

The following product was recommended on thegreenbeautyguide.com.  It’s a rather brilliant idea.  Apparently, the author’s mother used to use oranges on her face, as a facial toner. 

Since it’s not too expensive and I can always drink it, if it doesn’t work out, I’m already loving it.

Orange juice contains Alpha Hydroxy Acids.  According to an article in “Journal Watch Dermatology” (see how well researched this is), “Treatment with Alpha Hydroxy Acids (AHAs) appears to decrease wrinkles and reverse the changes caused by chronic sun exposure.”

Alpha Hydroxy Acids have also been proven effective for treating dry skin, acne, liver or sun spots, as well as loosening and removing dead skin cells.

Citrus fruit juices are also a natural astringent, so OJ tones and tightens as well. 

I bought some Tropicana Pure Premium 100% orange juice- not from concentrate, no sugar added.  (I guess that’s the product I’m reviewing?) I then doused a cotton ball with it and wiped it on my face.

(Thankfully, my skin is about as sensitive as Mickey Rourke’s luggage-like visage, so I can do anything to it, without it revolting.)

I left the OJ on for around 5 minutes.  Then rinsed it off.  My skin felt toned, had a nice glow, and I swear my pores looked a little smaller.

From now on OJ is going to be a staple in my morning ritual.  Pour some in a glass.  Pour some on my face. And I'm ready to go.

First Crisco, now orange juice, Bon Appetit, want to  buy some ad space on my skincare blog?

 Not to state the obvious, but if you have sensitive skin, it’s best to do a test patch first. 

random tip: how to maximize your eyelash curl

With the new, FDA-approved, eyelash-thickening drug, Latisse, hitting the market this year and mascaras that twirl, spin and vibrate, it appears that eyelashes are this year’s lips. (Last year’s lips, in my opinion, were eyebrows.)  

To me, this vibrating mascara just looks like a whole lot of opportunities to poke myself in the eye.

Being kind of broke, I thought about trying to create my own oscillating mascara applicator by taping my mascara to my Sonicare toothbrush,  but I didn’t think it was worth risking losing an eye over.

So I decided to do some research online, for tips on how to get the biggest, longest-looking lashes, without a prescription or a visit to the emergency room.

The first tip I found was to warm your eyelash curler with your hairdryer.  Thus turning your eyelash curler into a tiny curling iron for your lashes. 

Sounded great in theory, but it was hard to get the curler to the right temperature.  It was was either not warm enough to do anything, or so warm that I felt like my eyelids were cattle, about to be branded. 

When I finally got the curler to the right temperature, it didn't add that much curl.  Plus, I think it would make my lashes dry and brittle, causing them to fall out, thus defeating the purpose.  

But another tip I read, while so simple, made a huge difference in my lashes.

The tip: curl your lashes 3 times: once closest to the eyelid, once midway up the length of the lash and a third time towards the tip of the eyelash.

I have thin, extremely short lashes, so I could hardly get 3 curls in, but I have to say, it made the curl big and full (relatively speaking) and my lashes looked longer and much more prominent. 

If you try it out, let me know what you think. 
Anyone try any of the vibrating mascaras?  Any of them good?

tiger balm- this year's botox?

OK. So, I’ve heard that women, as young as 18 years old, are being encouraged to get Botox.  Dermatologist claim that paralyzing facial muscles, at a young age, will prevent the habitual, repetitive facial expressions, that cause facial wrinkles and creases.

(I just picture a typical teenage girl, screaming at her mother, and the girl has absolutely no facial expression. I’m frightened.)

Anyway, my most common, repetitive facial expression, which will soon be forever etched in my face, if I’m not careful, is the “Whatca talkin bout Willis?” look.

I often make this expression in meetings and apparently, no one finds it cute, like they did, when Gary Coleman did it.

The way I see it, the next best thing to facial paralysis (does that sound as odd to you, as it does to me) would be to relax the muscles so much, that they are too relaxed to move. 

This logic (if you can call it that) then led me to the topical muscle relaxant- Tiger Balm. (The cream version, in the tube, doesn’t smell super strong, like the one in the jar does.)

The active ingredients in Tiger Balm Muscle Rub are Menthol and Camphor. Menthol contains pain-killing properties and induces a cooling sensation. Camphor creates heat, which rushes blood to the area and numbs it. Numbs it? You mean temporarily paralyzes it? Fabulous.

I tried putting the tiniest dab of Tiger Balm Cream on the crease between my brows.  Within seconds, the muscles there relaxed and the line was gone. I’m not kidding. (I mean it’s not like I have a super deep line or anything, but it was definitely there and then it wasn’t.)

The muscle numbing effect lasts for around 4 hours at best (not bad for a date or job interview), but by using it every day, for a week, I figure it’ll help break my habitual muscle-creasing pattern.

I now wear Frownies at night and then I apply a dab of Tiger Balm to my “brow cleavage” (I’ll make this part of the American vernacular if it kills me) on days when my facial expressions are acting up.  

(I try to use only a tiny dab, as infrequently as possible- wouldn't want it to seep into my brain or anything.)

Thanks, Tiger Balm.  Now, I can attend a meeting, without worrying that I'm going to be fired after it.

Will someone please try this and let me know if it works for you too? 
 

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Is Crisco better than Creme de la Mer?

I know that sounds like a ridiculous question, but on Makeupalley.com, Crisco is one of the highest-rated skincare products on the site.

So what’s a girl to do, except buy a tub of Crisco and smear it on her face.

I was expecting my face to look like the slime-covered Alien from Alien 3.

 Surprisingly, it wasn’t that thick at all.

As for ingredients, Crisco contains soybean oil (evens skin tone, moisturizes, softens and helps with wrinkles), cottonseed oil (softens) and antioxidants.

At bedtime, I put Crisco on one half of my face (did I just say that) and Crème de La Mer on the other. (The creator of La Mer is probably rolling over in his grave right now.) 

Cut to 9 hrs later. The La Mer side was plumper, and perhaps slightly softer than the Crisco side, but in my magnifying mirror, the pores on the La Mer side looked clogged (bigger).

The Crisco side was much firmer and had no clogged pores.

Both sides had a radiant glow, were equally hydrated and equally smooth. If anything, I think the Crisco side was a little better on the wrinkles.  

Besides the discrepancy in the price tags, a 16 oz jar of La Mer is $1,390 and a 16 oz tub of Crisco is $3.59, I have to say, I didn’t notice that big of a difference between the two. 

Just to double check, I also did a Crisco side-by-side with another, well-respected moisturizer and the Crisco blew it away.

I would use Crisco as my PM moisturizer, even though it feels kind of Beverly Hillbillies-ish.  I just worry that maybe the fancy ingredients, in real moisturizers, do something special on a cellular level that Crisco doesn’t.

Or, maybe I’m just in denial, because I feel like an ass for spending so much on skincare, when a tub of vegetable shortening works just as well, if not better. 

I’m still getting used to there being a photo of a piece of pie on my moisturizer. 

Have you ever tried using Crisco on your face?  Would you ever?

Want to tweet about this post on Twitter? (Isn't it nice that I'm always thinking of ways for you to help me, help me?) Just cut and paste the following (thanks!): 

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random tip: how to analyze your skin

I was at Saks, trying to score a free sample of a SKII product. Turns out they were out of every sample, of all their products.  Really?

What the SKII saleswoman, did offer up was a free facial analysis.  Supposedly, they have some kind of camera, that can photograph beneath the skin’s surface, helping you to figure out what products would best benefit your skin.

What she was describing sounded a bit like MRI technology.  Call me skeptical, but I find it hard to believe that they have a MRI-like piece of equipment sitting behind the SKII counter.

I turned down the offer, because I knew that once I had the procedure, (MRIs are expensive) I would have felt obligated to buy something.

But I’ve recently found a free imaging system, with which we can all analyze our skin’s needs. 

It’s called our eyeballs.  The procedure is very simple. 

Apply a facial mask.  Wait 5 minutes. Look in the mirror.  Wherever the mask has soaked in, re-apply more mask.  For me, under my cheekbones and my eyelids, are my “desperately-in-need-of-attention” areas.

Or, as I like to refer to them, my Heidi and Spencer areas. 

Then wait another 5 minutes.  Check your face again.  At which point, my eyelids have usually completely soaked up the second round of mask.  (They’re so dehydrated, you’d think they’d recently been transplanted from a desert nomad’s face.)

I know they say to avoid the eye area with masks, but I think being so obedient to the side of jars, helped bring me to this dehydrated-eyelid place to begin with. 

With this face mask method, my entire face gets every ounce of nourishment and care it needs.  No MRI necessary.

Do you have any other facial mask tips you'd like to share?